chuting! (arakkon) wrote,

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onethousandtwohundredseventyeight: trail of ruby red and diamond white-

listening to old songs now and i'm just sitting here trying to remember what i was doing this time, two years ago. leon's a clear marker for time 'cause he's taking a's now, but that tells me nothing about my frame of mind back then.

one thing's for sure, i didn't have the time/consciousness/will to sit around trying to figure out how i feel about loads of things because i just always knew. i semi-lost my temper today and i'm not proud of it, but at the same time i wouldn't take it back. i can't even tell if this is honest/objective justification or just my pride talking. either way, it shouldn't happen again.

the past week's been a blur because of jan's arrival, then continually sleeping late and waking early and a messed up throat because i screamed too much on the leicester square rides two nights in a row. reading's been hell thanks to my glorious/murderous class allocations, but now i know what i have to do.

after today, i realise (not entirely unhappily) that the idea of having a go at someone or anyone completely filter-less and raw doesn't exactly sound terrible to me. i don't know what this is, it could be plain exhaustion/frustration or an indication of something more awful, like an actual pathological need to hurt people's feelings i've been denying for a while. not to sound like some kind of noble repressed emotional martyr crackpot type thing but i know i have a temper on me. god knows how much i acted on it when i was younger, and how much.. i wouldn't say damage 'cause nothing serious ever happened, but suffice to say i definitely showed it loads. amidst all this inarticulation, i think i was a lot less tolerant and possibly emotionally healthier.

argh i don't want this to be some kind of blurgh blurgh i'm damaged 'cause i'm changed and social needs have pressured me into becoming a more acceptable/likeable person blurgh whine moan kind of thing because it's not. i have more measured and qualified reactions to things now. i'm mostly comfortable and have come to terms with the notion of compromise and tolerance for the bigger picture's sake. i won't say i'm perfectly happy with some situations, but at least i understand why it's necessary and that's fine. but still, it's really stupid and sometimes insignificant things that really piss me off. i don't even know, shit like people taking my food, not knowing when jokes stop being funny.. i don't even know what they are specifically, at this point in time but it's just small little incidents that build up and sometimes i just want to push people's buttons and provoke them to the point where maybe a physical fight or something happens. it's kind of a "why should i care about your physical or emotional well-being when you don't care about mine" sort of lame hooligan logic, mixed in with knowing that i don't care enough about a lot of people or their opinions to bother being civil, let alone pretend to be interested so there's technically nothing stopping me from hurting someone the worst way i can. of course this fades away after a bit and they'll never know, but this unwarranted malice and craving to just do something is still there. there've been about four occasions in my entire life where i've felt enough rage or aggression or eagerness to be physically violent, but i've never acted on it. forget wall-punching, never been outright and viciously rude or full-on screamed, even. this actually perfectly captures how i desperately want and not want to do something at the same time.

so much for becoming a "nicer" or "better" person after jc. i'm fundamentally a thug, just well-trained now 'cause there are other goals i'm chasing at stake. definitely a good thing i've still got a livejournal i guess.
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