chuting! (arakkon) wrote,

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onethousandtwohundredeightyfour: obligatory new year post because i never do one.

did quite a fair bit of thinking on the treadmill today, for once not about work or upcoming schedule/events but about my new year's resolutions!! :D which is new, honestly, because i never make resolutions. obviously i say a few hysterical things after the countdown, more than a few if i'm at the legend with polinn and jan and qian and momo and everyone but THE POINT IS 2011's going to be different. because i think it's going to be hard.

SO. starting with an easy one

1. i resolve to keep up all this exercise even though running makes me want to cry. okay clearly lies, it doesn't want to make me cry anymore but given a choice i'd not move an inch. ironically, i'm crunching away on all butter cheese twists that marks & spencer tells me are "crisp, light puff pastry with gruyere cheese" while watching how i met your mother.. after a massive dinner. ANYWAY SIDETRACKED 90% of this is vanity and 10% is grudging realisation that being fitter/working out in the morning starts my day right and i just get more done. ugh clearly no way around this resolution. poo >(

2. i resolve to be kinder to my family and true friends. family's obvious because i owe them everything, and the more time i spend in london, the more i realise that and wonder how i'm ever going to repay my parents. v asian mentality, but i feel with the greatest, greatest conviction that i have to make good for them at least, if not for myself. friends-wise: at the risk of sounding horrible and conceited, i've realised that i'm actually a lot more naive and generous that i think i am and that's really bad. i know kindness and love and other emotional/spiritual crap isn't some kind of limited resource that has to be rationed out, but time and money and attention definitely are and i don't want to rob my family or real friends of the portions that they deserve simply because i'm distracted by everything/everyone else out there. sounds really shit but i can't just take everyone at face value anymore. and i know that despite all this bitchery i instinctively do trust quite readily, but now i've decided i can't afford to. so now, with the exception of family and true friends (who are effectively chosen family anyway), i'm only going to give as much as i get. bit harsh for even my taste but that's how it's going to be from now on.

3. i resolve to not lose perspective as often or as deeply as i have this year. something i always remind myself about when i'm strung out or plain destroyed is that my person and my life and the world is so much more and way bigger than my problems. i tell myself to stop bitchin' and cryin' and whinin' and force myself to admit that whatever's fucking me up is essentially.. no bigs. allow myself a couple of self-pitying songs and emails and maybe some half-assed weeping and two hours later i'm usually fine (read: asleep). however, it's happened way too much in 2010. most of the time i never really reached the weeping stage, but i think that paradoxically, because i have higher tolerance now, i never fully vent. and because i never fully vent, it gets all clichedly repressed and a few days later i'll start sinking again and it'll be worse and i'll resist and so on and so forth until i get sick enough of this yo-yo-ing and eventually feel like killing someone i.e. that post two months or so ago where i wondered what it'd be like to actually hurt someone v badly a la sociopathi con sharpaggio intrumentia. i can't let this happen in 2011 because i have too many things i have to do well, and so much more i need to get done.

also, it's just silly to allow yourself to be upset when you're almost twenty one with a great family and awesome friends all over the world and in my fantastic university. with hopefully a bright future. woohooo money!!!! $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

..err just realised i called lse "fantastic". i think it's time for more tv. alriiiight ending resolutions here. here's to an unparalleled year and lots of money!!!!! $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ PRIORITIES, y'all $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
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